cont. faith

(Note: I’m separating the next post “faith” from this one because I don’t like this sad post being the first one on my blog’s page. This will just be a continuation.)

Lastly (at least as far as I can tell), and I’m wondering about this one, this happened for my Mom.

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This past Saturday morning was my uncle’s funeral. My brother and I woke to my mom’s raised voice (which is an event within itself), and a bit after her Incredible Hulk action (her words), my dad left the house. He was kicked out, really. My mom wants a separation, because she told me that under VA state law, a couple can’t get divorced unless they’ve been separated for one year. Anyway, my dad packed and left and we went to the funeral.

It was a very nice mass–my mom and her siblings and the kids sang; they sing in the church choir (they’re a family of singers), and it was beautiful. I read from the Book of Wisdom, a passage that my grandma chose that was wonderful, stumbled over a line but overall it was all right.

It was awkward though when Tito Jondi (who spoke the wonderful eulogy; sad but uplifting at once) mentioned Dad among the rest of the family in thanks–for his understanding and for letting Mom spend so much time on weekends with my uncle. And afterwards everyone was asking where Dad was (they all like him so much and hanging out with him). That was awkward because what were we supposed to say? I stuck with saying, “I’m not sure.”

The short proceeding at the cemetery was nice too–it was a gorgeous sunny day (though it rained in the morning while we were at the mass), and after the priest was done with his part, the Ataneans (a high school and college that a lot of my mom’s family went to; all her siblings and herself, and a lot of the family friends) sang the Ataneo fight song. That was just a great way to end the goodbye–with a cheer. They all sang and it was just uplifting, especially on such a pretty day.

It has been almost four days since my dad left the house.

I visited him on Sunday at my grandma’s where he was staying, and he was so overwrought with guilt and sadness and a horrible desperation that was just too hard to handle, really. He is a very focused person; his mind wanders a lot and he has a short attention span, but when he thinks of things, he thinks and think and thinks. He cried at certain points when we were talking and it was just so hard to see. I’ve only ever seen him cry twice, at least that I can remember: when his dad passed away and when I went off to college. I text him a lot too just to check up on him, and what he says in conversation and what he said in his texts were much the same: that he can’t think about anything else, he couldn’t stand staying at my Lola’s, missed home so much, is so sad he hurt everyone, he can’t sleep, he can’t eat–he’s losing weight and gets dizzy sometimes.

Mom hates the night time and we talked for a while last night–she has trouble sleeping too, she’s very hurt, she misses him and just loves him so much, and seeing her cry or try to hold it back with a choked voice is just so hard. She says she’s afraid of being alone, and that just makes me so sad. And she’s the kindest and most empathetic person I know. She worries about my dad even though he’s the one that hurt her, but it just makes her sadder. And she’s also so fair. She lets him come hang out in the house when she’s at work or when she’s sleeping–I hang out with him, and she supports that 100%. She said it best: we’re here living as we always do, but he’s wandering around stuck in limbo. He’s not staying at the house, but at my grandmas, and he hates staying at other people’s places–he has a stigma about his own home and his own things. So it’s especially hard for him, even though he is at fault.

Part of me thinks they should separate, but seeing them both like this just makes me want them both to get back together because it seems like it’ll make things better. Maybe they’ll change and be better after this; maybe this has taught them something. I don’t know what’s best–my brain thinks it knows, but I don’t think you can only trust one thing.

I cried a lot these past few days, but really I think I’m ok. I just feel so bad for Dad, for my brother who has cut himself off from my dad (he’s just so filled with anger and hate that it hurts to see and hear him speak about it; though they’ve always had a rather rough/not good relationship), and for Mom of course.

It’s hard because things have changed and will be different and may always be changed and never the same. It was so hard these past few days because I was the only one speaking to my Dad. He’s at fault, but I love him and won’t ever not be there. But it was just so hard because I was the only one speaking to him; he told/tells me things, and I just feel like there’s no one else I can tell them to–Mom is hurt, Frank is angry, and who else is there to talk to about these things? I’m not saying others should care, just that I feel sort of at a dead end about this stuff.

My mom did speak with him on the phone today, which has lightened the load though. And Dad didn’t call me until around 4pm (he went to work, but I expected him to call earlier because he said he wanted to come by the house while Mom was still at work and just hang out), and the first thing he said was, “I’m happy; your Mom talked to me today.” And that was nice.

It sucks though because I’m leaving for school next weekend, and I want to be here for both of them.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. Tomorrow my parents are going to church together. Dad has so much hope that Mom will let him come home tomorrow; he’s hoping to take her to the Kenny Rankin lounge concert on Thursday night, but I don’t know about Mom. Her view the entire time has been that she’s keeping to a decision, and she seems to think this is the best way to go, for both of them. I wanted to tell Dad to not keep his hopes up, but he said that he felt better and might be able to sleep tonight.

I have hopes about things, but I don’t know what’s best.

I never really thought about the emotional part of a divorce (from what I’ve seen on TV or from my friends’ parents’ divorces/separations). I never thought about how much everyone in the family is hurt by it. I just thought, that sucks for the kids because they’ll have to split time, the parents will have to split everything…but I didn’t think about how it really is just a complete separation of something that was once whole.

I think it’ll end up ok though, no matter what happens. It has to get better just because there is just really nowhere else for everything to go but up, which is cheesy maybe, but there’s no other way around that I think. It’s hard to see the good stuff though, when it’s been so hard, but it’s the only thing I can keep my eye on right now because the rest of it isn’t so nice to look at.

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Anyway, the reason I say this is a joint matter in the whole faith subject above is because my grandma now no longer has Tito Chad to sit with all day, and Mom now has some free time to hang out with her–Mom likes to. They can keep each other company.

I don’t know. This is all very confusing.

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Venting is good.